Life

Once again, it seems, life has derailed this blog.  Big sigh......

So, on this blog, I've shared with you photos of awesome client/friends and stories from my life.  I've been honest about struggling.  Well.  I'm struggling again.

This past summer, my cousin called me asking if I was pregnant.  It seemed my aunt was telling the family I was pregnant and it was a secret...  My cousin and I laughed and wondered about my aunt's senility because I was definitely not pregnant.

Then, a couple of months ago, I got some news that rocked me off my foundation---stopped me in my tracks.  I was pregnant.  Perhaps my aunt wasn't senile.  Perhaps, she was psychic.  It was one of those weird moments where you ask yourself  "what was that?"

It was completely unexpected---I didn't think I was capable of having any more kids.  I spent about a week in shock.  I alternated between laughing and crying--sometimes doing both simultaneously.  So exciting to have a baby and yet, wow, not sure I'm ready for this.  I even had a "moment" in Target where upon seeing cribs and car seats, I abandoned my packed cart and headed for the door for some air.

I eventually embraced the idea.  I joked about having children in 3 different decades.  Think about it.  Austin was born in '91.  Aidan in '01.  Devin was born in '04 and this little bundle would be born in '12.  The word ridiculous or hilarious comes to mind.  And I'm sure I used the word "ridiculous" a thousand times.

Then, the craziest thing happened.  I got this 'feeling' that it was twins.  Can't explain it.  And if you want to know the truth, I actually prayed for twins.  I have always wanted a big family AND I thought that with 7 years between pregnancies, this baby could use a sibling their own age.  And guess what.  It was twins.  Again, I was shocked---floored even.  Again, "What is going on?" was the overall feeling.  I couldn't believe that A) a long forgotten wish for more children would be granted and B) a prayer for twins would also be answered.  I was feeling so incredibly blessed.

But...  that didn't last.  At the 2nd ultrasound, there was only one heartbeat.  Sad news but something told me not to give up.  I Googled.  I found dozens of stories where no heartbeat was found but at the next ultrasound, two heartbeats were there and everything was okay.  I prayed---a lot.  I hoped.  I prayed some more.  I asked other people to pray.  I was sure I was going to be one of the lucky ones.  But no....  At the next ultrasound, there were no heartbeats at all.  I had lost both my babies.  

If you've never had a miscarriage, it's probably hard to understand the grief.  Even though, I was only pregnant a short time, a lot of excitement was involved and hope and plans for the future were made.  You  prep to change your whole life.  But then...  there's no need for change.  Turns out, it's just life as it was before.  No new excitement.  No need for cribs or diapers.  No exciting news to share.  It's truly devastating.

Sadly, this isn't my first miscarriage.  This is my third miscarriage with Andy.  And this one has been the hardest.  The other two were between Aidan and Devin.  Don't get me wrong, they were heartbreaking, too but it was different....  We had a purpose.  We were trying to have a baby and when I got pregnant with and actually gave birth to Devin, it was part of our journey to have her.  Had those babies lived, we wouldn't have Devin.  But this time, we lost two babies and we don't really have a purpose.  We weren't trying to get pregnant so there isn't a goal in mind.  It's just back to day to day life and it's leaving me feeling a little....  empty.

I opened my heart to two more babies.  I prepped for living with 5 kids, 2 parents and a grandma.  I was excited about it.  Now...  it's back to the way things were only that doesn't feel right.  It seems that something like this should change your life.  I find myself really wanting to make changes even if they're only surface changes.  A little paint slapped around in the house.  Cleaning out some junk.  Maybe a new website  but none of these changes are really doing anything to fill up the empty space.  They're filling up time, though, and that's a start.

I'm ordering photos, designing albums, printing holiday cards, decorating Christmas trees, and more....  And eventually, I'll get back to normal.  In the meantime, during this busy, stressed and crazy holiday season, keep this quote in mind....

"Be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle."