I've learned things about myself

June 5th...

June 5th was the last time I blogged.  Wow.  Utterly unbelievable that I could be quiet on here for that long a period of time.  But I really have been silent that long and I feel I owe it to you to share why.  On June 11th, I was shocked and surprised to learn I was pregnant.  A second oops  surprise pregnancy in a matter of a year.    My last pregnancy ended in the miscarriage of identical twins so it's very difficult to explain to you all the emotions I was experiencing.  There was a messy mix of joy, excitement and hope mixed with fear, trepidation and dread.  From one minute to the next, it was unclear which emotion I might be experiencing.  Couple that with pregnancy hormones and I'm sure I was a mess.

I began the pregnancy sure it would fail.  I began cursing God for making me go through another miscarriage while I was still newly pregnant.  With each contact with the doctor (and there were a lot) I would cry tears of relief that our little bean was progressing so well.  The morning sickness stayed nice and strong.  And yes, that's a blessing and a curse.  It's a blessing because my doctor believes it's a sign of a healthy pregnancy and it's a curse because....  well, you're smart enough to know why it's a curse.   Visit after visit, test after test everything went well but still, I spent weeks worrying.  It was obvious to my doctor that I was very concerned.  At our 9 week checkup, she patted my arm and told me it was okay to be optimistic.  She told me that a very small percentage of women miscarry after 9 weeks.    I took a deep breath and told her that I wouldn't feel safe until after our 12 week checkup.  We did share the news with our kids, though.

I spent the next three weeks trying to mentally prepare myself for the 12 week appointment.  It was a big one.  We were scanning for birth defects.  For those of us in the over 40 club, the risk of those is elevated so...  we test.  It's a combination of a family history, a blood test and an ultrasound.  I was told that my goal for the day was to NOT see a doctor.  If I saw a doctor, that meant one part of the test didn't go well.  Andy and I walked into the dark ultrasound room.  I laid down on the table and stared up at the ceiling.  A few wayward tears started falling down my cheeks.  I couldn't help it.  Once again, I was expecting bad news and I was mentally preparing for it.

Imagine my surprise when there was no bad news.  Our little bean bounced around on the screen in front of us.  Her hands moved.  Her head moved.  She was kicking.  For the first time, our little bean was no longer an indecipherable blob onscreen.  She looked like a baby and a very lively one at that.  Andy joked, "Oh boy.  We've got another Aidan."   If you know Aidan, you're aware that he isn't much for holding still and clearly, his sibling was just like him.  And look at that sweet little nose.

Through my mixture of laughter and tears, I felt the weight lift.  I finally let go and allowed myself to fully embrace this baby.  I can honestly say that time in the ultrasound room was the most joy I have felt in quite some time.  I was so happy and relieved that our baby was doing so well.  All of her measurements were great.  There would be no doctor coming into the room to ruin the joy.  Everything was good.  The doctor's office followed up a couple days later with my official results.  The average woman my age has a 1 in 20 chance of a baby with a birth defect.  My results were 1 in 288.  More cause for celebration and for the first time in months, I actually relaxed.

After that, my approach to the baby was different.  There was no more reason for caution.  I talked to her.  We told our friends and family.  I bought maternity clothes.  I started a gift registry and planned what I needed for the nursery.   We continued with the name debate.  I bought baby clothes.   I tried to buy unisex but honestly, in my heart and mind, I knew I was carrying a girl.  With the boys, there was very little morning sickness.  With Miss Devin there was a lot.  With this one...  there was even more sickness.  I was sure it was a girl.  I was grateful.  Andy and I weren't really agreeing on the boy name but the girl name was all set.  And the next thing you know, my belly popped out.  This baby wasn't just real in my heart.  We could see the space she occupied.

My next appointment was at 16 weeks.   I really looked forward to it.  I could see the little bean and if I got lucky, we might find out the gender (even though Andy didn't want to know until birth).   Once again, we walked into that dark ultrasound room.  Only this time it was different.  There was no trepidation.  There was only excitement.    I didn't see it coming.

The tech took some measurements and then she exhaled and said "oh".  That one little word was all it took.  I knew instantly and started to sob.  She followed with an "I'm sorry."  Our sweet little bean was gone.  No heartbeat.  We were informed that it was indeed a little girl and according to her measurements, her heart had stopped beating very recently.  She was 15 weeks and 4 days.  We knew her name immediately.

Delaney Grace.

I'm sure you can imagine that moment was the emotional equivalent of getting hit by a truck.  We were shattered.  It was so unexpected which seems ridiculous to say since I expected it at every other appointment.  But like I said, I had let go of the fear.  I believed I would really hold Delaney in my arms and have all the joys and challenges that come with raising a child.  Instead, I was experiencing a second trimester miscarriage.  I'm not sure how we got home.  I don't remember much of the rest of that day or the days that followed.  They were spent in a haze of grief and tears.

I  won't get into the details of what has followed since then.  Suffice it to say that physically and emotionally it has been a very difficult journey and the journey isn't over.    I'm still picking up my shattered self and putting myself back together.  Every day brings a bit more strength.  There are still questions, most of them unanswerable.  There's a lingering question of "what next?" but as the title of this post says,  I've learned things about myself.

I learned...

The depth of my ability to love someone I never met is immeasurable as is the pain of losing her.
Grief is an inexplicable emotion.
Some people, no matter how much they love you and how well-intentioned, will add to your pain instead of lessening it.
Some people are incapable of understanding the pain of miscarriage.
Way too many wonderful women know exactly how I'm feeling.
Sometimes getting out of a bed is a victory.
15 weeks and 4 days is a precious amount of time and far too short.
My faith can be shaken.

and there's still much more to learn.

Thanks for still being here.   It means more than you know.